I Love Criminal Shows

One thing everyone should know is that I’m a CSI freak:

  • CSI
  • CSI Miami
  • CSI New York

I love these shows. I’m also a sucker for any shows like CSI:

  • NCIS
  • Law and Order - SVU
  • Law and Order - CI
  • Shark
  • Cold Case
  • Without a Trace
  • Close to Home (did they cancel this?)
  • Criminal Minds
  • Even Bones

Wow, that’s at least 13 hours of television every week. That’s 52 hours or over two (2) straight days a month. That also works out to ten (10) straight days every season/year. That’s a lot investment in television, huh?

It’s my version of a woman’s soap opera; sorry ladies. I know a lot of people hate these shows; calling them fake and unreal. Yes everyone knows that it takes weeks, sometimes even months to process DNA evidence. All the equipment costs tons of money and you don’t just pull out that stuff for any John Doe that turns up dead on the street. There’s even mention of the CSI Effect, where juries in real life cases tend to expect all the fancy stuff they see in these shows.

After years of watching these shows, I’ve picked up a few pointers here and there. I mean, they all work off of a baseline of rules. If you follow these simple rules, you too can escape the clutches even the most ambitious CSI.

1. Wear Gloves

That’s a given, isn’t it? You can get a box of latex gloves for a few bucks in the store. Stay away from leather: learned that from OJ. Latex gloves have that powdery substance on the insides. It’s supposed to absorb the excess moisture from your hands, but they also have the added benefit of preventing your prints from remaining on the insides.

Cotton gloves are also a great investment.

2. Wear Overalls

I’ll never understand why people also commit crimes in their favorite pair of pants then go hang it up in their closet when they’re done. If you’re talking premeditation then come prepared. Get some overalls or something else that’ll keep stuff like blood and guts off of you.

They also have the benefit of being easily disposable. Get some cheap sneakers from the store. Don’t go whack someone in your $150 Nike’s that you know you’ll never get rid of. Don’t do stuff in that unique pair of pants that everyone knows you love to wear.

3. Get All Of The Above at Walmart and Pay Cash

When buying gloves, clothes, shovels and other supplies; go generic. Don’t print out a ransom note on your company’s letterhead. Don’t use or wear anything unique. You can’t go wrong with Walmart. When they get their trace evidence and track it down, they’ll get a generic brand that can be purchased at a million different places. Keep them guessing.

Don’t use checks or credit cards. I can’t tell you the number of times dudes have gotten caught because they traced a purchase a two shovels and two bags of cement two (2) hours before they dump a body in the river.

4. Take What You Can With You

One great idea is to stuff one of those black 13 gallon trash bags in your pocket. When you’re done, pick up what you can. Pick up the big stuff, if it’s easy.

5. Take a Shower for Goodness Sake

Take a shower and scrub hard. Gun Shot Residue (GSR) comes off with soap and water folks. So does dried blood. What I never understand is when someone is picked up for questioning in the morning, then released, then they are suspected again and picked up one more time. They’re always wearing the same clothes, with the same specs of blood, hair, and DNA goop on it.

How hard is it to take a shower and dump the clothes?

6. Don’t Ditch Stuff In The Dumpster Out Back

So what do most bad guys think?

Hmph, I’m going to bash this dude’s head in with a crowbar, then I think I’ll dump the murder weapon in the dumpster behind the building with my fingerprints all over it. Hey! Here’s a better idea; I can stuff it in my closet. That way no one will find it!

I’ll never understand. The same goes to guns, clothes, etc. This is an extension of step four (4). Don’t ditch stuff near the crime scene and for heaven’s sake, not at your house or car. All you have to do is drive for 15 minutes and scatter stuff from steps 1 to 4 across the city.

Hey, even better, cross some state/county lines. This will confuse and complicate things for the cops. If they do find the evidence, they are going to have to coordinate the investigation with officers from a different district. Cops are notoriously territorial, so they’re both going to be fighting each over the case.

When in doubt, burn it!

7. Keep Your Mouth Shut

Here are a few key phrases you might want to practice in front of a mirror:

Lawyer!

Charge me or let me go!

Law and Order - Criminal Intent always surprises me with this. They do have some evidence, but 90% of their cases are solved at the end when the lead detective tricks some poor sap in an interrogation room into confessing everything. “Yes, I killed her! I was always so jealous of her as a child!”

Just keep your mouth shut, is that so hard? They wouldn’t be calling you in if they weren’t pretty sure you had something to do with it. Their minds are already made up. You’re not going to convince them otherwise, unless of course you have an air tight alibi. Even then, let your lawyer bring it up in court.

Just keep quiet, keep to yourself, and don’t volunteer information. I think that it varies from state to state, but cops can only hold you for questioning for a fixed time (12 hours I think) without charging you for something. This shouldn’t be an issue if you follow the don’t talk rule. But if they happen to pick you up as a person of interest, just ask “Am I under arrest?” If the answer is no, they have to let you go. They can’t stick you in a cell either. You’ll be in a hot stuffy interrogation room, but you’ll be by yourself.

8. Beware of Sneaky Tricks

While you’re in that interrogation room not saying anything, remember not to touch a damn thing! If you must drink (which you should avoid), only touch a Styrofoam cup. They are harder to get prints off of. Or hell, hold the cup with the sleeve of your shirt or something.

Keep your spit in your mouth. I’ve seen cops go as far as upsetting suspects and having them spit on them to get DNA. Although they can’t use this evidence in court, due to questionable methods, they can use this to begin their search.

Since they know they can’t hold you without arresting, keep your temper in check. They’ll push you and you’ll react, next thing you know you’ll have your face on the floor getting cuffed because you just assaulted an officer. They won’t be able to prove this in court, but that’s not their point; their purpose is to get you in the cell to have you sweat it out and/or ask you more questions.

Likewise, pay attention to all the regular laws that everyone breaks without thinking about it. Use the crosswalk, don’t cross on a red. You’ll be kicking yourself if you end up getting printed because they picked you up for jaywalking.

Conclusion

Follow these simple steps and you can start your career as a professional hit man. Remember, no amount of motive in the world is going to substitute for evidence.

Disclaimer: Do I really need to say that this post is for entertainment purposes only? Well it is.

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